Taking control of my relationship with alcohol – By Mim Jenkinson

Do you want to know a secret? I used to have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol.

But that isn’t the secret. The secret was that I kept this hidden for a long time, and managed to function as a busy mother and business owner without anyone knowing that a problem existed. But I knew, of course. I knew that the habit of binge drinking every weekend had built up over the years to include more days, then more glasses. More and more, until I was drinking excessive amounts every night of every week.

I would wake every day feeling tired and groggy and oh-so-disappointed in myself that yet again I’d caved to the habit and drunk over a bottle of wine by myself just to blur out the day’s stress. Or to celebrate the wins. Or the losses. Or the nothing. It was a bad habit and one that I wanted to stop.

Throughout the day, in my busy job working from home, I would have “words” with myself. Today was the day that I would break the cycle and not drink. I wouldn’t have anything – I’ve always been an “all or nothing” kind of girl. Then 4pm would roll around and I’d look forward to my kids getting home from school and catching up with them about their day. I’d make dinner, we’d play and chat, and by 7pm when they went to bed… why wouldn’t I open a bottle of wine?

Mummy’s Wine Time

All the other mums were. At least, that’s what it felt like. In fact, most had already drunk two glasses while making dinner. Isn’t that what the media would have us believe? “Mummy wine time” is alive and kicking, and if everyone else is doing it, it’s ok if I do too, right?

“I’ll just drink tonight and not tomorrow,” I told myself. And by 11pm, when I sloped off to bed, I chastised myself for failing to break the cycle yet again. I wondered who would get up with the kids in the night if they were sick. Who would drive them to the hospital in an emergency? The guilt ate me up and I hated myself for being so weak and selfish.

In the morning, it started again. The endless cycle of physically feeling unwell and hearing the self-critical voice in my head saying I was weak and a bad mother. That 7pm itch started showing up earlier over the months and, although I never started to drink until the kids were tucked up asleep, it became something that was on my mind constantly.

The turning point

Three years ago, I was diagnosed with a rare and aggressive breast cancer. You’d think that would be enough to make me take better physical care of myself. Instead, I struggled with PTSD and anxiety and simply didn’t know a better way to deal with those issues than to avoid them entirely by drinking myself into another world.

And it worked, seemingly. My business was successful, my kids were healthy and happy, and to everyone else I looked like a positive, fully functional go-getter.

But inside, and in my insides, things were not ok. I made the decision: I was going to stop drinking.

When my husband got home from work that day, I told him that I no longer drank alcohol and asked if he would support me by doing the same, at least until I felt confident that I wouldn’t be tempted to start again. He agreed. That was 23rd January 2019 and I haven’t had any alcohol whatsoever since. Aside from my pregnancies and chemo, this is the longest time I’ve ever gone without a drink since I started drinking alcohol.

How I stay on track

Giving up drinking is still relatively new to me, but I’m in this for the long haul. I check how long I’ve been alcohol-free every day using an app with a daily reminder that pings on my phone. I also record the number of days I’ve gone without alcohol in my planner, because I love having a visual of my AF days.

I’ve spent a lot of time reading quit-lit too – for example, Allen Carr’s How to Stop Drinking, which I found incredibly insightful. That book really helped me understand my relationship with alcohol.

Will I ever drink alcohol again?

At first I toyed with the idea of having the odd glass of wine in the future. Now I have no inclination whatsoever. I know I would end up right back where I was.

The habit is still breaking down. I still have moments when it doesn’t feel fair and I miss that feeling of instant relaxation I used to get when I opened a bottle of wine. But it just wasn’t healthy. I was blurring my life away and purposely drinking to forget or to minimise the storm around me.

Alcohol was numbing the pain but fuelling the anxiety fire. I can see now that I was only masking my demons, not facing them. Now I have to face them head on. It’s scary, but I understand that I need to face them, as tough as it sometimes is.

So I’ll be alcohol-free forever – and that’s exciting, because the health benefits I’m already feeling are amazing.

Two amazing benefits of being alcohol-free

1. I sleep better now

Like, I really sleep. Proper, deep, out-for-the-count sleep. I still struggle with the insomnia I’ve had since my teens when it comes to falling asleep, but once I’m out, I’m out.

2. I have less anxiety

That next-day guilt, paranoia and disappointment in myself have gone. No more “What did I do last night?”, “Why didn’t I stop drinking earlier?” or “Why did I do it again?”. I wake up feeling fresh(ish), guilt-free and focused.

Anxiety and PTSD after cancer are still things I live with – they’re still something I work on every day. But the anxiety I was giving myself from drinking too much, too frequently, has gone. And it feels amazing to be taking back some control in my life when so much has been taken away from me.

There are many more benefits that are still showing up in my new alcohol-free life every day.