I’m looking forward to living every minute of my life – Kelly Clare Wainwright

As the weeks went by, I was gradually finding parts of me that I had lost over the years. The old Kelly was coming back.

I will never see my Day 1 again. EVER. It was a day of anxiety, guilt and self-loathing – the start of yet another four-day spiral in my alcohol-fuelled anxiety cycle.

For years I’d been a weekend party drinker. From 17 into my 30s, it was the same routine: everyone drank – friends, family, colleagues – and it was fun, or at least that’s what I told myself.

When anxiety and alcohol collided

I had my first daughter at 34, and that’s when anxiety hit me like a train. I spent the next six years on prescribed sertraline, still drinking socially at weekends.

Two years later my second daughter arrived, and I carried on in the same pattern. I had no idea how much alcohol was making everything worse.

Most weekends looked the same:

• Drink on Friday night, knowing it would wreck my head for days

• Spend 2–3 days eating junk food, feeling bloated and exhausted

• Too tired to train, not sleeping, anxiety through the roof

• Slowly claw my way back: eat better, train again…

• Then, a few weeks later, repeat the entire cycle

I was taking an antidepressant to help with crushing anxiety… and then pouring alcohol – a depressant – on top of it. It had to stop.

The moment I knew something had to change

At the beginning of lockdown, after another very messy Zoom call with friends and a bottle of gin, reality hit me hard.

If I was going to get through lockdown, I needed a clear head. I could see, finally, that alcohol was fuelling the anxiety I kept trying to escape. Giving up alcohol wasn’t just an idea anymore – it was the only answer.

I’d done Dry Januarys. I’d volunteered to drive so I “couldn’t” drink. But whenever I did drink, I couldn’t stop at two. It was almost always 12 or more.

From the outside, I looked fine:

• I didn’t black out

• I wasn’t starting fights

• I didn’t “look” like I had a problem

But nobody saw the aftermath: the crippling anxiety the next day that was quietly destroying me. I was tired of letting anxiety live rent-free in my head like a nagging neighbour banging on the wall all day.

Finding OYNB

I’d seen OYNB on Facebook many times and always thought, I couldn’t do that.

Talking about my anxiety felt way out of my comfort zone. What if I failed again, like all the other times I’d tried to stop?

But enough was enough. Through bleary eyes and a pounding headache, I clicked Join on the 90-Day Challenge.

The OYNB Facebook group quickly became my lifeline. I read story after story from people who wanted the same thing I did: to stop drinking. I found people with the same anxiety issues as me, and, for the first time, I could talk openly and honestly about it with people who truly understood.

My alcohol-free journey

I realised very quickly it wasn’t actually alcohol I craved – it was the habit and the associations:

• Friday night = wine

• Socialising = drinks

• Celebration = alcohol

But I learned I could still do all of those things without drinking:

• I could go to the pub

• I could see friends

• I could socialise and have fun

…just without the alcohol.

“As the weeks went by, I was gradually finding parts of me that I had lost over the years. The old Kelly was coming back.”

My life became calmer. My head felt unbelievably clearer.

Instead of waking up with a spinning mind and heavy dread, I was waking up and heading straight out for a 10k walk because I could. No anxiety pinning me down.

I started doing things I hadn’t done in ten years. I signed up for a Three Peaks challenge and started eyeing up an OYNB Spartan event. None of that would have been possible if I were still drinking.

I honestly feel like I’ve escaped a self-inflicted prison sentence and finally given myself permission to be free again.

I don’t “have” to drink.I choose not to drink.I choose to live my best life because I deserve to be happy – and all I had to do was stop drinking alcohol.

What life looks like now

I’m about to hit Day 90 – and I’m currently on holiday in Spain with zero alcohol… and zero desire to drink.

• I’m not white-knuckling it

• I’m not battling constant urges

• I’m not sitting for hours drinking while my kids play in the pool

Instead, I’m in the pool with them. I’m in the sea. I’m actually in the memories, not watching them from the sidelines behind a glass.

One of my biggest fears before joining OYNB was the idea of social events, especially holidays, without alcohol. I couldn’t see past the day I was on.

But that’s all I ever needed to see: just today. One day at a time got me all the way to here.

Looking ahead

Now I’m genuinely excited to live every minute of my life – this holiday and every social event to come.

There’s no “edge” to take off anymore. This is my new normal:

• Clear head

• Calm mind

• Present with my kids

• No more lost weekends to anxiety

Alcohol doesn’t get to take one more moment or memory from me.

365 days – here I come.