“I feel more able to concentrate on my goals” – Sarah Williamson

Deep down I knew something needed to change

I’d had a fairly “standard” relationship with alcohol. I started drinking at about 16, drank far too much during my university years, continued through a job with a heavy drinking social culture, then settled into married life with a focus on getting to the weekend and having too much to drink. Over the years, I let that slip more and more. Through OYNB I’ve realised this is a very common story.

Before OYNB

I drank for every possible reason:

• Celebrate = drink

• Something sad = drink

• Stress relief = drink

• Need to be more social = drink

• Need to stay awake = drink

• Need to sleep = drink

• Need to chill = drink

• Need to be livelier = drink

I never really questioned it. I never gave it any thought – unless I had a hangover, and even then, the thought only lasted as long as the hangover did.

The part of my life I’m particularly ashamed of is when my children were toddlers. I got into the habit of meeting my girlfriends on a Friday late afternoon for a “playdate and to give the children tea”. What it really was, in fact, was an excuse to crack open the white wine and… well, I don’t really want to tell you because I’d rather not. Suffice to say, I’m not proud of that chapter of my life.

Becoming sober curious

Three months before I turned 40, one of my sons was diagnosed with a critical autoimmune condition. Three months later, my husband was diagnosed with a different critical autoimmune condition. Life needed reevaluating.

Over my 40th year, I was up in the night many more times than I care to remember looking after my then 11-year-old. His condition means that we monitor his blood glucose levels 24 hours a day and he often needs treatment through the night. That treatment requires calculations to work out the correct dosages, and I realised I was sharper with this if I had drunk no wine compared to even one glass.

I couldn’t possibly justify even one glass of wine, could I?Of course I could.

I told myself I was fine. If I’d had a night out with friends, I’d just let my husband do the night shift. Problem solved – or so I told myself.

That summer I bought a book about quitting alcohol in a charity shop and put it on my bookshelf with the spine facing inwards – too shameful for anyone else to see. I left it there, but the seed was planted.

Over the next 12 months I had a handful of nights out where I really “let rip”. These nights stick in my mind for all the wrong reasons. That niggling feeling that something needed to change kept coming back.

“Did I have a problem?”

One thing I’ve been thinking about recently is where the problem actually lies.

If you give up drinking, there’s a tendency for people to assume you must have a “problem” with alcohol. Maybe I did, maybe I didn’t. I honestly don’t know.

What I do know is this: our society has a problem with alcohol.

In the run-up to Christmas I saw so many persuasive adverts and images telling me that alcohol would:

• Make me more beautiful

• Make the party better

• Was expected, normal, essential

All of this messaging goes deep into our brains and our psyche. It’s hard to fight against.

I listened to the Dr Chatterjee podcast with Andy in November 2019 and everything fell into place pretty quickly after that. I heard so much truth in that episode. I remember having a long drive for work the day I listened; when I got home I dug that book off the bookshelf and gave the idea of OYNB some serious thought.

I knew that if I did this, I would go in wholeheartedly. I would sign up for a year from 1st January 2020 and do the full 365 days.

Going all in

Over the next week, I thought about all the occasions coming up where I believed I would “need” alcohol to enjoy myself:

• Christmas work night out

• Christmas party

• Christmas Eve

• Christmas Day

• Boxing Day

• New Year’s Eve

I also had a Christmas party lined up for the 7th December.

On the 8th December, I woke up and wondered why I was making excuses to wait until 1st January. Why couldn’t I start now?

If I began immediately, I could experience all those Christmas events alcohol-free, and prove to myself that the rest of 2020 could be great too, with all of those “big hurdles” already behind me.

So I did. I started before I really knew what I was doing.

I used different tactics for different situations:

• I told some people what I was doing

• I told some why I was doing it

• I told others nothing at all

• Sometimes I pretended to drink when I wasn’t

• Other times I was openly and proudly alcohol-free

I’ve been surprised and really moved by how many of my friends have been 100% supportive, and my husband is behind me too.

One night out with a friend even led to a little cry of relief on the way home. I’d always ended nights out with him spectacularly drunk. This time he booked us an alcohol-free restaurant for our night out in early January. What a truly fabulous friend.

What I’ve learned so far

Over the course of my challenge, I’ve realised:

• I loved the ritual of pouring my Thursday night G&T more than the drink itself

• I don’t actually like the taste of fizz or white wine – how did I manage to drink so many gallons of it before?

• My husband, family and friends still love me

• I sleep deeply and can better manage my son’s medical needs during the night

• Christmas, New Year’s Eve and my birthday are all better without alcohol

• Alcohol-free drinks are genuinely good – I love lime and soda, Seedlip, Fizzero, etc.

• I am not funnier, more social or a better dancer with alcohol – I’m all of those things without it (I’m always bad at dancing, but I do love it!)

• I feel far more able to concentrate on my goals for 2020

• No hangovers

My children are 11 and 13, and I feel as if I’m sending them a quiet message that choosing this way of life is a good one (while trying to let go of some of the guilt around my drinking when they were small). It makes me question why there is such a strong culture around mums “needing” to drink.

Looking ahead

I feel happy about continuing my 365-day challenge, which will end in December 2020 – but I plan to carry on through December because I want two Christmases, two New Year’s Eves and two birthdays alcohol-free under my belt.

After that, I’ll review 2021. I may have a drink in the future, or I may not.

Right now, though, I honestly cannot see myself ever getting drunk again.