I don’t have a relationship with alcohol anymore! – Kristina Cavallari

Finding a clearer way of living without alcohol

My journey with alcohol started when I was 14 years old. I remember my first shot of vodka like it was yesterday. I took the shot surrounded by friends and the line between clarity and blurred vision disappeared. I loved it. I felt out of my skin, and being in my skin had never been a comfortable place to be.

For the next ten years, my life revolved around copious amounts of alcohol, late nights and partying. High school was easy because drinking was always an option on the weekends, and sometimes we even made it an option during the week.

Where I grew up, it was considered normal and funny to black out and need other people to fill in the details of the night before. If it wasn’t my turn to slip into oblivion, I was the one watching others make choices clearly driven by alcohol. I don’t regret that chapter of my life, because the lessons and people from that time helped shape who I am now. And today I am in a very different, much more beautiful place.

A shock in 2012

In 2012 my partner and I were living in two different countries. He came to ask my parents if I could move back with him to Canada. Around that time, I discovered I was pregnant with my son. For six weeks I had no idea.

One night while I was out drinking, just after taking a shot, I looked at my friend and suddenly asked, “What are the signs and symptoms of pregnancy?”

As she listed them, I realised I could tick almost every box. The next day I went to my mother’s with a pregnancy test, and it was positive. I was in complete shock.

Facing myself without alcohol

My relationship with alcohol had to be put on hold. For the first time in years I had a completely sober mirror held up to me, and when I finally looked, I did not like what I saw.

Behind the drinking there was a beautiful, abundant soul that had been darkened by a toxin full of empty promises, dragging me down into a dark hole of oblivion. That was my first awakening.

After my son was born, I drank only occasionally, but when I did, it was still usually too much. That was the only way I knew how to drink. One drink always led to two, then three or four. The next day my anxiety would skyrocket and the familiar shame would hit.

The pattern looked milder on the surface, but inside the feelings were raging. I knew I had to stop. It took another blackout to finally push me there. I woke up after a concert with no memory of how we got home. My son had camp, but I was still too drunk to drive and could barely move. My kids spent the day watching their mum in hangover agony. I knew this was not the life I was meant to live, and not the memory I wanted my children to carry.

Finding one year no beer

When I joined one year no beer, I was simply relieved to be among people who felt the same pull towards a clearer, better way of living. I was no longer the odd one out for questioning my drinking.

The challenge supported me through those first days of sobriety and encouraged me to actually feel all the emotions that come up on this journey. And I had a lot of feelings to feel. I moved through anger, deep sadness and pure joy. Every time I allowed myself to fully experience an emotion, I could feel that inner light grow brighter.

What I have learned on my alcohol-free journey

I have learned that alcohol itself is not “the villain”, but I let it take over because I genuinely did not know how to live without its false comfort. What I really needed was a way to go within and let life flow through me, no matter what was happening around me.

My biggest success so far is staying sober. From that foundation, so much has opened up:

• I bought my own health and wellness store

• I walk into work each morning with clarity and confidence

• I can support others who are struggling with their health and searching for their own path

The power of community

The most valuable part of OYNB for me has been the like-minded people who listen, respond and support without judgement. Before OYNB, when I tried to talk about how I felt, I was often dismissed. Inside this community, I have formed friendships with real depth and substance, far beyond the surface-level relationships that grew out of drinking.

I now understand what meaningful connection feels like. I no longer need alcohol to create it.

My relationship with alcohol today

I do not have a relationship with alcohol anymore. It simply does not register as an option. When we go out and everyone else is drinking, I order an alternative and genuinely enjoy my evening.

What I feel most now is relief. Relief that I have broken the chains of something that once held me down. Today, I am living more clearly, more honestly and more fully than I ever did with a drink in my hand.