Beyond anything I had ever anticipated – Sarah-Jane Sidebottom

Proud to be free of alcohol

OYNB was always popping up on my social media and, with equal regularity, I would hesitate. I might glance at the smiling pictures of participants or absorb a few of their words, then scroll on by.

I’ve drunk alcohol for as long as I can remember. My mother was a great home brewer, making wine from almost anything, and our kitchen would have demi-johns gurgling away under the table, quietly fermenting.

My introduction to alcohol

Drinking before dinner was a regular occasion. It was a normal, enjoyable routine as a young teenager.

When I first went out to work, drinking culture was very different to today:

• lunchtimes in the pub were almost expected

• after-work drinks with colleagues and “pub friends” were part of the routine

• most of my friendships revolved around drinking

Even my interests outside work seemed to lead me toward people who enjoyed drinking as much as I did.

As a young and very confident woman, I found alcohol exciting and engaging – something that seemed to accentuate my enjoyment of almost anything. But as I progressed through life, that relationship started to change.

Sliding through the decades

In my twenties, thirties and beyond, I never remember being concerned about my drinking.

• I stopped completely during pregnancy and breastfeeding

• I had a later one-year alcohol-free stretch

• I rode out hangovers, sickness and difficult alcohol-fuelled situations with stoic resilience

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Those experiences became part of my “norm”. As I got older, I tried to control that norm – but without really questioning it.

By my forties, my pattern had shifted into a new routine: work and wine.

• I never came home without knowing there was enough in the fridge

• half a bottle left always meant buying another on the way home

• I preferred drinks first, then dinner, so I often barely ate properly

Most evenings ended the same way: drinking instead of nourishing myself, then going to bed and repeating it all again the next day.

When alcohol stopped being “just a habit”

By my late forties, the effects of alcohol were getting harder to ignore. I tried to trade them off against what I saw as the “benefits”, but the balance was shifting.

What really started to batter me was:

• disastrous sleep: crashing out, then waking at 3am in anxious restlessness

• anxiety, which I’d never really suffered from before

• overreacting to almost anything life threw at me

• finding any explanation except the real one – my drinking

I kept “soldiering on”, using my strength to manage my drinking:

• moving from stronger wines to prosecco

• restricting to alternate nights

• “saving it” for weekends

• trying to eat as well as drink

The energy this took was unbelievable. It consumed everything I had and left me focused only on getting through to the days and times when I “allowed” myself to drink.

The fraud I couldn’t ignore

My love of sport – especially bodybuilding – has always been huge. I’d managed to build my participation to a level where I was in my best shape ever:

• eating well

• training hard

• loving the process

People complimented me, asked questions, wanted to know what it took to achieve that. And there I was, knowing I wasn’t telling the whole story.

Inside, I felt like a fraud.

Finding OYNB at 4am

One morning around 4am, unable to sleep after drinking the night before, I sat at my desk downstairs. I knew what needed to be done.

This time OYNB didn’t just “appear” on my newsfeed – I went and found it.

I put aside my “I know better” attitude and dived in.

• 28 days didn’t feel like enough

• 365 days felt too scary to commit to

• like Goldilocks, 90 days seemed “just right”

So I clicked the button.

Rarely does anybody challenge me at anything, because they know I’ll win or die trying. I was 100% determined to prove to myself that I could do this – at least for 90 days.

“Give me it all and I’ll give it my all.”

This was never going to be any different.

My alcohol-free challenge

OYNB was – and is – beyond anything I anticipated.

If it’s true that we are “all one”, then OYNB is a perfect example. Through the daily emails, the community posts and the tribe support, I found parts of myself in everyone.

I had found my home. I wasn’t alone.

When I started, I said my goal was to see how going alcohol-free for 90 days would affect my sporting performance. That was partly true. But, deep down, what I really wanted was to feel authentic – to stop feeling like a fraud.

In those 90 days, I discovered that I could:

• go out and enjoy dinner at a restaurant

• attend BBQs

• go to my brother’s wedding

• have dinner without downing a bottle of prosecco first

• watch live music at a pub with friends

…all alcohol-free, with the OYNB members cheering me on every step of the way.

The benefits of being alcohol-free

For me, this has been the most humbling process of my life at 54.

I don’t cry easily – I usually won’t allow myself to. But reading this back, I have tears in my eyes. It’s cathartic and necessary, because it honours my life so far and the journey to becoming the authentic, real person I always wanted to be.

• I’m proud to be free of alcohol

• I’m proud to be a flag waver for OYNB

• I’m proud to stand with the thousands of people who belong to it

OYNB has given me:

• authenticity instead of pretending

• calm instead of 3am anxiety

• alignment between my lifestyle and my values

• a community where I see myself in others and others in me

What’s next?

I finished my 90 days – and I’m still alcohol-free.

I’m convinced I’ll stay that way and never have an alcoholic drink again. I was strong before my challenge, but now I truly have nothing to hide, and I’m even stronger for it.

I’m proud to be free of alcohol. Proud to be a “flag waver” for OYNB and the thousands of people who belong to it.